When I was growing up (WATER child), I don’t remember having a lot of play dates. I remember playing with my older sister (FIRE child), and playing in the street with the other neighborhood kids. In today’s world of more vigilant parenting, play dates are in — street play is out. The upside of this change is that we spend more time watching our kids and seeing how they interact with others. This gives us an excellent opportunity to support our kids and help teach them about their effect on other types of children.
What happens when the more domineering children play with the more demure ones? Does this even happen in the modern world of micromanaged play dates?
I can answer from experience with a resounding “YES!”
WOOD children are fast-moving, developmentally advanced, confident, and authoritative, so if they play with WATER or EARTH kids, there may be trouble.
Quick reminder: WATER kids are the most introverted, and may have social and other developmental delays that are not severe enough to be diagnosed by a physician. They tend to question themselves and buckle under pressure. EARTH kids are ambiverts and want to see everyone happy and harmonious, and sometimes act like chameleons so they can please everyone.
There are 2 main cycles in 5-element theory: the nourishing cycle and the control cycle. Both play a role in the context of play dates. Here is a recap of both cycles:
Nourishing Cycle
WOOD nourishes FIRE
FIRE nourishes EARTH
EARTH nourishes METAL
METAL nourishes WATER
WATER nourishes WOOD
Control Cycle
WOOD controls EARTH
FIRE controls METAL
EARTH controls WATER
METAL controls WOOD
WATER controls FIRE
So back to our play date — what happens when moms arrange play dates between a WOOD child and a WATER child?
The WATER child is happy to have a dynamic friend and wants to idolize and follow him/her. The WOOD child, however, is not too thrilled to have a slow-moving friend who may not be stimulating enough. He will likely act out by making fun of the WATER child in benign and not-so-benign ways. What do you do?
There are a couple of things to keep in mind here. The WOOD child desperately needs to be disciplined in a METAL way, as METAL controls WOOD (just like an ax chops down a tree). If the WOOD child’s mother is not a metal type, she needs to act like a metal mom in order to keep her child in line.
“As a parent, your gift of self-awareness is something of extreme value that can never be taken from your children throughout their entire life.”
Aside from swift discipline, the WOOD child needs something else — information. The WOOD child is highly intelligent, so chances are, he/she will listen to an adult trying to help him/her. Explain to the WOOD child that a WATER friend may seem slow and baby-like at a young age, but once his WATER friend catches up in a few years, he/she will be a cherished friend.
WATER nourishes WOOD, so this means that the water kids will nurture the wood kids’ interests in ways that other kids may not. Water kids are open-minded and adaptable, just like water takes the shape of all vessels. Water kids are born to listen, so wood kids can talk to water kids for hours about their interests and lead water kids in activities in which other kids may not agree to participate. This type of friendship may not fully bloom until around age 7 or 8, however, so that water kids can catch up in their development.
So on to another problematic play date — what happens when a WOOD child plays with an EARTH child?
As mentioned above, in the control cycle, WOOD controls EARTH, and this control can get out of hand if there is no parental supervision.
A WOOD child will dominate the agenda for the play date, and may frustrate the EARTH child. Earth children tend to be especially sensitive, so he/she will want to please the wood child but may be prone to over-pleasing. The overindulgence of the other child’s interests may leave the earth child feeling walked on, or less valid. In this case, again, the wood child needs a metal-type parent to instill discipline and force him/her to allow the earth child to have a turn choosing activities. The wood child needs to know his/her effect on earth children so that he/she may turn down the intensity for future play dates.
In summary, different types of kids ARE compatible to play together, so long as they gradually become aware of their effects on the various types of kids. A little self-awareness will go further and further as children grow into teens and young adults. As a parent, your gift of self-awareness is something of extreme value that can never be taken from your children throughout their entire life. For a one-page reference guide to raising a child of a particular element, please contact us.
